Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
