Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
