Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We have so much sex to catch up on
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
