Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
