The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
