My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
