the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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