They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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