soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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