I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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