I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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