were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
