Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
