he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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