She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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