??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize