Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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