your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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