You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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