I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
