Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
