if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
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