I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
