Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
