I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
