There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
