Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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