I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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