New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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