so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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