We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
