Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
