Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
