I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
