My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't turn off my feet"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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