i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
