if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
