I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
