That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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