OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
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I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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