Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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