Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
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