So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
