Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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