My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
