so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
