How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
