Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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