1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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