I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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