i permit you to call me
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
