I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
