just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
