I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
