My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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