I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.