so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.