My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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