you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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