So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
